you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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