i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
