Please, let me fuck your mom
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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