dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize