my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Randomize
