I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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