tell your sister to shave her snatch
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
