We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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