You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
