She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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