I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
