Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Randomize
