Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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