If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
