so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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