Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Your cock deserves a montage
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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