I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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