Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
