watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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