I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
