So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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