After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
