Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize