In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I need help removing her.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
