Don't make out with my wife yet
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
