I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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