God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
