i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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