just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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