You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
