I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My penis needs a shock collar
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
