and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
