theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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