puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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