apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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