I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
this hospital has no fireball
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
