He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
