I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
