did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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