I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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