Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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