my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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