i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
