The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
