I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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