I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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