textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
