I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
