i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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