So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
