I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
