So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
ok first of all what the fuck
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
