I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
