So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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