my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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