Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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