hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
