Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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