dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
