omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
