my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
