Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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