Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
