its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
