By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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