I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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