Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I think I won the penis lottery.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
