census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Randomize
