the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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