Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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