I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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