we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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