I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
